The Sleazy Landlord

Hello and happy Friday! I don't know if any of you dream or keep track of your dreams, but I have vivid dreams all the time and like to analyze them. When cancer struck, my dreams took a dark turn. I began having recurring dreams in which a wild looking young woman with raggedy hair and clothes would come after me. No matter where I was hiding, she would find me. When I tried to fight back, she would laugh and just keep coming. Pretty scary, right? Since the surgery, I haven't had any of these dreams, which is a relief. I also haven't been too worried. In fact, surgery was such a relief that I began feeling like the worst was over and that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Two weeks have now passed, and like the true worrier that I am, I began to feel that I was getting too complacent. In fact, yesterday I heard myself tell Hans, "I should be worrying more." Needless to say, he wasn't excited to hear this.

What caused this worry to start? Not sure, but I think it can be traced to a phone conversation I had with my care team nurse, Tara, this week. This is ironic because she actually had great news for me. I had called to ask about when to expect chemo to start because I am simultaneously nervous about this, but also want it to start soon. She told me that since the surgery results showed that I was node negative (meaning cancer hadn't spread to a countable level in the lymph nodes) and that I was ER/PR+, they had ordered an Oncotype test on my tumor to determine the kind of chemo I would get or need. This info threw me for a loop because they had told me before surgery that I would most likely have the AC-T regimen for 4 months followed by radiation. Needing to have the test meant that this could change...for the better, potentially. Tara thought the fact that I had to get the test on the tumor was great news because the test helps determine how effective chemo will be for me. Maybe I wouldn't need as much. Maybe I didn't have to worry so much. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe...

At any rate, the dream I had last night solidified my feelings of wanting to get going on the next phase of this journey. In the dream, I woke up inside my house and could hear someone rustling around in the downstairs. A woman I didn't know appeared, which kind of spooked me because it meant she had entered the house somehow. When I confronted her about this, she apologized and said she had some important papers for the homeowner that needed signing and had looked for me around the house before leaving. This sounded legit to me in the dream, so we sat at a table to look the papers over. In them, I discovered that a sleazy landlord wanted to build a huge, ugly apartment complex on the site where my house stood and needed me to sign over the land where my house was for a large amount of cash. The lady told me that the landlord was waiting outside for the papers, and when I looked out the window, he was sitting in the back seat of a beaten up limo. Sleazy, for sure. I didn't sign the papers and told her I was going to call the cops. That's when I woke up.

To me, this dream means that I am afraid that cancer is kind of waiting to take up residence in my body again. It's right outside the door in a sleazy limo waiting for an opportunity. I'll be darned if I will let it! That's why I want to get the green light for the next phase. A little chemo? A lot of  chemo? I'm probably going to worry regardless, so my feeling is, let's get this show on the road!

Have a great weekend!