The Last Month of Chemo - Hurray!

Hello and Happy Valentine's Week! I hope you were feeling the love! Let me give you an update on how things are going. This past Thursday, Feb. 14, was both good and bad. Who can say a day is all bad when you come home and your 13 year old son wants to make you heart-shaped pancakes with sprinkles?

So sweet! I also think it's hilarious that I captured Jessie waiting patiently under the table for any "scraps" that might fall her way. What an opportunist! Hans and I had a long day, so it was nice to get home and savor some family time.  Thursdays are always my chemo days, and while I was supposed to get chemo, it didn't work out because my red blood cells were too low. This always means I have to get a transfusion...my 3rd so far.

I was mentally prepared for this one because I keep a close eye on my counts, and knew I would be low. It still is such a bummer though because it means I have to sit in the hospital for about 5 hours for the entire process. What to do? I brought along some research papers to grade while I waited. Not the most fun day I've ever had...but it meant that I could get chemo on Friday, and that was good news. So far, I've never had to miss a week!

Since Hans had to take a whole day off on Thursday, we worked it out so that Sam could take me on Friday. Both he and I had a long weekend off of school, so bless his heart, he got up at 8am and was willing to sit with me through chemo and drive me home. Sorry the picture isn't better. I never take selfies! I feel so blessed to have all my boys taking care of me!

Even though it's just a lot of waiting, Sam was really tired when we got home, and said, "Now, I know how dad feels!" Ahhh...empathy...a good byproduct of a cancer crises.

We were planning on doing something fun in the Cities this weekend, but my doctor scheduled shots to raise my white blood cells in the middle of each day, so I can't really go too far. I'm also getting screened for a potential genetic blood disorder. When they checked my blood to see if I was anemic or had low iron, they results came back the opposite--- I had TOO much iron in my blood. A normal person has less than 50% floating around in there --I had 98%! I tell you what...I'm beginning to think of my body like a haunted house. Egad! Don't look around the corner or you'll find something else that's scary!

For right now, I don't know anything for certain, but I will post about it when I find out and when I finish with all this chemo business! Next stop: Radiation.

Love and light,
Jennifer

Flowers in the Frozen Tundra

So, thanks for the prayers, thoughts, and well-wishes! I was able to recover enough two Thursdays ago to get chemo on Friday, so that was a real blessing for sure. The thing with blood counts is that there is no way to tell if they are going to be up or down, so when I walked in Friday, and my doctor said, "What did you do last night?" I couldn't tell if he meant that question in a good or bad way. (He meant it in a good way...because my white counts went up to 3.5 from 0.9). 

What was my secret? Well, I'm going to admit that a diet of strawberry smoothies, blackstrap molasses, and 3 hours on the couch watching International House Hunters, along with lots of prayers went a long way.

I also got some lovely flowers this week that you can see here from what looks like a veritable garden in my living room. My aunt and uncle from Pennsylvania sent the tulips hoping they would remind me of spring....which we will need this week, because we may hit record low temperatures + a snowstorm any day now. My book club and some of Hans's co-workers also sent some flowers, and my friends from work loaded us up with meals, so we are feeling lots of love. Thank you, everyone!

After last week, there have been a few other developments in terms of my care. For one, because my white counts dropped too low one week, I've had start going in every day for a shot to keep them up. It's kind of a pain because I have to drive 30 minutes, wait to get the shot, and then drive back home. Every. Day. Even on weekends. The good news is that my white counts won't drop, but it doesn't help with my red blood counts, which were too low this past Thursday and meant that I had to get another blood transfusion. As a result of all of this, I made the tough decision to go part time at work for the rest of my chemo treatments. It was all getting to be too much!

Thankfully, I feel really supported in every way - at home, at work, and at the cancer center. Now, if only the weather would cooperate....

Love and light,
Jennifer

Some Bumps in the Road

Hello everyone!
Well, I should have known it couldn't last....I have been cruising through 13 weeks of chemo and last week (week #14), I hit a snag in the road. It was the first time that my red blood count was too low to get chemo. What does this mean? It means that I was anemic and that my energy should have been low. The crazy thing about it was that I worked all day at school until noon and felt fine, so when my doctor said, "No chemo for you today; you're going to get a blood transfusion, and come back tomorrow to see if it worked," the news threw me for a loop.

Transfusions are no joke. I had to go to the hospital, get my blood matched, which took close to 2 hours because apparently I have a complex blood type, and then another 3 hours to go through the transfusion process. I left the hospital at 8pm with my trusty driver, Hans, and then went home to write sub plans for school the next day.

But hallelujah, it worked! Here I am getting my chemo 14. Not my favorite way to spend a day, but I'll take it because I don't want to get off schedule and lose any chemo time.

I hope you never have to go through this, but they do try to make you as comfortable as possible. You can see that I'm in a recliner (heated) with warm blankets. The chemo machine has a bunch of tubes coming out of it because they are giving medicines to avoid nausea, medicines to avoid acid reflux, medicines so that my body doesn't have an allergic reaction, the chemo itself, and so on....It looks like I am being prayerful, (and I am), but what I'm doing is holding a cold pack in my hands to freeze my nerve endings so the Taxol doesn't reach them and give me neuropathy. I also have cold packs put into socks so my feet aren't damaged either. So far, so good! But let me tell you....those cold packs are torture when the high is 10 degrees outside! Ah, Minnesota.

Today, I should have had my 3rd double dose of Carbo & Taxol, but when my bloodwork came back, this time my white blood counts were too low. I'll admit that I cried, which I haven't done for awhile, but it's just so frustrating! So, I have to go back tomorrow and hope that it is up high enough. If not, my doctor will give me a shot to boost it over the weekend, so I can get chemo next week.

I feel pretty powerless. Is there something I can eat? drink? do? to help my blood counts? I'll eat seaweed or kale if I have to, but the doctors and nurses tell me: "Besides rest, not really; it's just what the chemo does."

I have 20 weeks of chemo total, and I really hope the rest is not as crazy as these two weeks have been. Say lots of prayers!

Love and light,
Jennifer

Happy New Year!

Sorry that too much time has passed since my last post...sitting down to write when I have school work, holiday stuff to do, and the fatigue from chemo just makes it tough to think about writing a thoughtful blog detailing life as it's happening. I hope you've had a good holiday season...it feels like it went by in a blur! Let me back up and share some of the highlights from my past month.

Advent - remember that?
As a birthday gift, Hans got me a silent retreat weekend that was held at the spirituality center at St. Benedict's University about 15 minutes away. It was the perfect start to Advent. There were 20 of us on the retreat. We all said hello and introduced ourselves, and that was it - not another word until the weekend was over. So what does one do on a silent retreat? You meditate, or read, or sit and think, or don't think at all. We would come together as a group a few times a day for silent prayer and then also eat together, but in complete silence. Was it awkward? Not really. Of course, everyone chews their food or moves around more deliberately, but that is kind of the point...to appreciate and be aware of each moment. I highly recommend it!

When I got home from my retreat, I was welcomed by the sight of our newly resurfaced fireplace! Words cannot convey how ecstatic I was to see it finally completed after 10 long years! When we moved in, there were no bookcases and the fireplace was a boring sand colored brick. It has been on my list of "things to improve" around the house ever since, but being purely cosmetic, it didn't make the cut until this year. I think the cancer card had something to do with it. Also, we have a marvelous neighbor who does amazing tile work, and he was able to get it all done while I was on retreat. Thanks Marv!

Now that I had a cozy fireplace setting, I was all set to read some good books. One book, called A Gentleman in Moscow was chosen by both book clubs I am a part of. It is a beautifully written story that has language to savor. Is it a page-turner? Not really, but if you appreciate reading a mix of history, eccentricity, and thoughtful phrasing all the way through, you would enjoy this story. It is a book I could read twice...if I had time!

Time. It sure has been speeding by, but in terms of chemo treatments, feels achingly slow. I am only halfway through them, and it is getting a bit tougher each time to bounce back. I finished the first four rounds of AC treatments by the end of November and started a new regime in December. For this new round, they give me a clinical trial drug once every three weeks with another drug called Taxol. Whenever I get Taxol, I do fine. Sleepy for one day, yes, but not terrible. However, when they give me the double dose, I am out flat for at least 4-5 days, and that can get dispiriting because I feel like such a slug. There are so many things I want and need to do that I can't!

 Luckily, just before Christmas, I only had a round of Taxol, so we took the opportunity to drive to Missouri to see everyone, and it was lovely to walk around the farm in 50 degree weather....It was the first time I'd been back "home" since I was diagnosed.

The boys loved seeing their cousins, even if just for 2 days, and being together with aunts, uncles, new babies, my siblings, and my parents made me feel so much more renewed, even if it was a crazy whirlwind. 

We had to high-tail it back to Minnesota because of a brewing snowstorm and for the double round of chemo, but we made it back safe and sound. I have been sleeping a lot the last few days, and am gearing up for school to start again this Thursday. You may not hear from me for awhile, but please keep me and the boys in your prayers! Thanks and happy new year!

The Best Medicine

Hello! Sorry it has been awhile since I posted. Something ridiculous takes up a bunch of my time, and it's called work. I won't regale you the details of the 150 essays I've been reading, but trust me, they take up my evenings for sure, and there are lots of more fun things that we could focus on. One lesson I've learned on this journey is not to take myself and work too seriously. I mean, life is too short. I might have 1 year. I might have 5 years. I might have 20+ years. I have literally started pretending that I have 5 years left. No one has told me this. My prognosis is good, so don't start worrying, but the point is that it helps me to think and manage what I want to do with my life much more closely. What have I always wanted to do? What gives me the most joy?

I have learned something about joy from my friend, Katie. She plans it. Yes, did you know that joy and happiness are things that one can plan? This girl puts it on the calendar. She calls up friends. She calls up family. She designs days of fun. And you know what? It's not hard. We can all do it! A few weekends ago, we planned TWO ENTIRE DAYS O' FUN with her Aunt Pat who hosted our crafting extravaganza weekend, and this was us the morning of the first day! Do we look happy or what?

A big reason for the smiles on our faces is due to Katie's Aunt Pat. Thank goodness for her Aunt Pat, who is now my Aunt Pat, even though she may not know it! Pat has the ability to make you feel special and spoiled even if you don't think you deserve it. She always does too much, whether it is getting you something cute "just because" or sending you home with pie, or making you something incredible that has your name on it. She is just amazing!

Also, you might not know this about me, but I LOVE to make things. Every day, I have to draw, sketch, make, write, or create something into being that wasn't here before. Thank goodness I've found these two great friends who love it as much as I do. Here we are out at dinner that weekend celebrating nothing and everything.

We might look like some unassuming ladies, but when we get together, the power of creativity gets unleashed, and it feels like nothing can stop us from smiling, laughing, talking, and just being surrounded by JOY.

But... all this happiness takes some planning:)  When we get together, we all bring creative projects to work on for each other. This time it was Christmas cards and holiday items. The best part besides all the crafts is that we spoil each other rotten! Are there wrapped gifts involved? For sure. We will squeal over new markers, sequins, designer paper, fancy chocolates, and disco-ball slippers like eight-year-olds and feel young at heart every time.

 
Look at what we made! If you're lucky, you might get one of them for Christmas!

We have been getting together for years and marvel at how time has flown by. Babies have been born. Houses have been sold. The great world keeps spinning, and this year, even though we had to plan around my chemo, we were definitely able to still find joy, which really is the best medicine.

Love and light,

Jennifer

Hair-o-pocalypse

Happy November greetings! It's that time of the year in central Minnesota when the leaves are all falling off the trees, the geese are flying South, and everything is looking more and more barren. How appropriate then, that this past week, my hair began to mimic Mother Nature. The trees and I have really been having our moment trying to cling to our last remaining foliage. Last Saturday, however, I faced reality, called my local salon, and had them cut my hair down to 3/4".

It was a humbling experience to say the least. I have never had my hair buzzed before. I have never worn it short, so going from 50 miles per hair to 0 mph was really drastic. I thought about asking for a pixie cut or a Kris Kardashian hairdo to give my brain time to acclimate, but ultimately, I didn't want to keep seeing hair all over the place and live in denial of what was to come. Let me just say that it was a peaceful moment. It was soft. The buzz of the razor felt measured and even. The hair just lightly fell away. When I looked into the mirror, what did I think about?

First thought: Oh gosh, this is pretty awful looking.
Second thought:  Anne Frank (and all the Jews who had their hair cut off during the Holocaust)
Third thought: You can't feel sorry for yourself when you think about Anne Frank because her life = always worse.

Needless to say, I put my bestie Heather on really quick.We are like two peas in a pod now, but she gets irritating sometimes, and when that happens I have to put her away in the cabinet and lounge around in beanie caps. Here we are at the end of the salon session looking presentable though.

There are some ironies regarding the great hair-o-pocalypse. For one, I am trying to save every last eyebrow and eyelash like they are some kind of endangered species. My sister can attest to our many conversations about facial hair woes that we lamented about in the past, but now? Now, I'm hoping that my Austrian European ancestry kicks in and that those suckers stay put. Take a look a this picture of my grandmother (center) with her sister and brother....

Are they related to Frida Kahlo? Maybe not, but these folks have some serious dark hair, eyes, and eyebrows that I think I inherited. Let's hope that roots run deep and that I get to keep what they sold me down the genetic line as long as I can during this cancer process. I sure hope they are rooting for me in spirit!

Lastly, I have gone back to work, which deserves it's own post, and I have been feeling good and scheduling some fun activities for myself, so no, I don't think about hair all the time, but it has been on the forefront this week, so I will share one last hair picture taken last night. Some friends from work and I attended a play based on Mary Shelley's Frankenstein at a local university, and all of us are in the wig phase with cancer, except Barb, so we brought a wig for her to wear just so she wouldn't feel left out. Guess what...she wore it! Bet you can't even tell which one she is! :)

Love and light,
Jennifer

Say Hello to Heather

 Hello everyone! I'm sure you're dying to know how wig hunting went on Thursday, so here's the scoop! First off, as Halloween gets closer, it seems that there are wigs everywhere, and now that I'm in the market, my brain automatically considers every. single. one. They might be pink, They might be mullet-y in nature. They might even remind me of my awesome 80s hair in which bangs + a full can of Aquanet = a full-on physics experiment. No matter what size or color they are, my mind immediately wonders: Now, how would that one look on me?

Most of the time, the answer is: Bad. Very, very, bad. However, this past Thursday, it was fun to go for a wig fitting and be waited on by a wig professional at the Coborn Cancer Healing Center, which is a door away from where I go for all my other appointments. It is a brand new facility and very zen and very lovely. What is also wonderful is the fact that the Cancer Center was ready to give me one free wig. All I had to do was show up and be ready to pick the best one. The pressure was on! I had quite a few people offer to go with me, but in the end, I decided to take Hans, of course, and the person who is the most opinionated about my new hair: Luke. Before we left, he had already decided that I would look good in a blond wig and that I should use this time to "try it out" and "do something different." So here I am doing just that...

The verdict? He immediately hated it, and I had to concur. Let's just say that the palette stayed in the dark browns after that. I tried longish brown hair...

Curly hair with bangs...

Short and sassy hair - one of my favorites!

 But, in the end, the one we all liked the most, was the one that reminded them most of me:

Can you even tell it's not my hair? Crazy, right? I thought I might want to step out and try something really different, but in the end, it felt so comforting to find one that looked blessedly normal. Still, I was torn between this one and the longer brown wig, so to break the tie, I asked the lady helping me: "Do these wigs happen to have names?"

And, what do you know? They do! Wigs DO have names. Go figure.

The longer brown wig is named Ashlee, and this shorter brown wig that I ended up getting is named Heather.

Once I heard the names, I knew I had to get the one named Heather because before I was born, my mom and dad had three girl names picked out for me: April, Jennifer, and...Heather. As odd as it may sound, this whole cancer process feels like a rebirth, and so, getting a wig named Heather just seemed to fit. I hope you think so too!

Love and light,
Jennifer