I Will Still be Me

Greetings! This post is brought to you by my plastic surgeon. Ha ha. No, I didn't ask him to sponsor me, but I should have! One of the surreal parts of this journey is navigating through crazy decisions I thought I'd never have to make, and one of those decisions involves reconstruction. As I inch forward to my surgery on Tuesday, the realization hits me over and over again like a wave: I am never going to look the same way again. I probably will not feel like the same person I was either, and that is going to have to be okay. So what did I do this week? Thanks to a heads up from my co-worker who is finishing her treatment for cancer, I made an appointment with a plastic surgeon who I might employ to Barbify me back to normal when I get clear of this disease. It was just a consultation, but wow, who knew there were so many different options for various parts? In case you have never been  to see a plastic surgeon (or to California), I'm telling you, there is a whole other world out there, people.

 This week, I also went into work to  help prepare my classes for my co-worker, who will be taking over for me in September when school starts on the 4th. It was so wonderful to see everyone, feel normal, and forget about cancer for awhile! On Thursday, almost everyone in the district came in wearing pink to support all the people who have been affected by this disease. What a great show of support! I have never missed the first day of school since I started Kindergarten, but I came away from our district days feeling much better and ready to focus on getting the cancer out next week and getting well, even if that means missing school. Sam will just have to go and tell me all about it, which you know all sixteen-year-old boys love to do.

Speaking of the boys, lots of people have asked how they are doing, and I would say that so far, they are doing well. It helps that Sam has soccer and Luke has school already, but honestly I would say they take their cue from me, and I've tried to be as even-keeled as possible (crying in the shower and the car doesn't count!). They are worried though, and this comes out in various ways like these conversations I've had with Luke (13 years old):

Conversation #1 
Me: Tell me what you're worried about.
Luke: Are you going to have to be in a wheelchair?
Me: No, but after surgery, I won't be able to lift more than a gallon of milk.
Luke: Why? Because your arm will fall off?
Me: No, I get to keep my arms and legs. :)

Conversation #2 
Luke: (nervous look on his face but remains quiet)
Me: What's going on in your head - what are you thinking?
Luke: Well, if you aren't going to have boobs and you're going to be bald, then aren't you going to look like a man?
Me: (had never thought of it this way before, but now I am...gah!) I will take all the necessary steps to make sure I look like my old self, but just remember, those are just parts of me I'm losing, I will still be ME!