Hello again! This is part two of my cancer diagnosis, and I wrote this humorous version to share with my English teacher friends but thought other folks might enjoy it as well. I basically tried to capture what happened to me on the day I went in for my initial lumpectomy surgery on July 30, which did not go as planned...
Going in for surgery was a surreal experience, but the cancer center team made it all very smooth, and Hans was the best supportive spouse (Offering to carry my frilly purse + Not checking his cell phone every 2 minutes so he can give me his undivided attention = True Love). After donning the "gown" and what looked like a pair of Airmaxx trampoline jump socks, I was ready to roll. Luckily, Pam and Linda had warned me about the pre-op biopsy procedure that could be a bit uncomfortable and in which I might encounter a "creepy guy". I was on the lookout for the creepy guy and was not disappointed. When "Lester" showed up, he smiled with a mouth that had a few too many teeth, which I'm sure served him well in his role as an Addams' Family movie extra. His job was to take me to the biopsy room in the Breast Center in a wheelchair via a basement tunnel so that I didn't have to walk around the public upstairs area in my hospital gown. While being covertly ferried through the underground tunnels past the laundry services and kitchen, I thought, "This must be what Beyonce feels like before a concert!" (...If Beyonce had broken both her legs and had to attend her own concert in a wheelchair.) :)
Eventually, Les got me to the biopsy ultrasound room, and I met Nikki, my tech, who went over what to expect from the procedure. I could tell something was up, however, when she said "hmmm" amidst her clicking and typing on the machine. Then, when she left and came back with both my surgeon and the radiologist, I knew the "hmmm" piece was not good. The surgeon, radiologist, and ultrasound tech are all pretty women about my age, so it felt like I was being addressed by a team of Charlie's Angels who were basically telling me: "We thought we were only up against one bad guy, but there could be a gang of them in there, so we'll have to use another weapon to find out for sure before we start karate-chopping our way through the hideout." Cue the dramatic music. I didn't start crying, but I felt a huge letdown -- like way worse than a "Let's Make a Deal" contestant who gives up $200 to pick door #1 only to find out that there's a goat behind it.
The Charlie's Angels did their best to help me see that this discovery was really a win, but at the time, it did not feel like one. I was all geared up for a surgery that wasn't going to happen, and even though Nikki did her best to re-orient me, it was still a shock to find out that there could be more cancer. Also, don't forget that I still had to get back to Hans the way I had come, and so who was the next person I saw? You guessed it..... Lester. Ugh. I know people use cliches like: "He was the last person I wanted to see," but in this case, that statement is truly accurate. I thought about asking if I could just walk back, but I didn't. There had been enough exposure for one day.
In the end, I had to try and tell Hans everything the Angels had told me, and as we got packed up to leave, we debated about what to do next--which was a ridiculous mixture of topics: Should we... Go home right away? Keep the jump socks? Call my mom and dad with the news now? Grab some lunch at Perkins? Tell the boys? As it turns out, we landed in what I like to think of is the purgatory of our society -- a Starbucks. We grabbed some high-priced drinks and pastries, sat in faux leather chairs, and mused about life and death and what to do about it all.
We're still not sure of what to do until we get MRI results later this week, but we did eventually go home and tell the boys and my parents. We did not keep the jump socks. We did not go to Perkins. When we picked Luke up from Art camp that afternoon, he was surprised to see me up and about so soon, and yelled, "Mom, you're alive!" and I thought, "Yes, I am." It was the best part of my day.
Going in for surgery was a surreal experience, but the cancer center team made it all very smooth, and Hans was the best supportive spouse (Offering to carry my frilly purse + Not checking his cell phone every 2 minutes so he can give me his undivided attention = True Love). After donning the "gown" and what looked like a pair of Airmaxx trampoline jump socks, I was ready to roll. Luckily, Pam and Linda had warned me about the pre-op biopsy procedure that could be a bit uncomfortable and in which I might encounter a "creepy guy". I was on the lookout for the creepy guy and was not disappointed. When "Lester" showed up, he smiled with a mouth that had a few too many teeth, which I'm sure served him well in his role as an Addams' Family movie extra. His job was to take me to the biopsy room in the Breast Center in a wheelchair via a basement tunnel so that I didn't have to walk around the public upstairs area in my hospital gown. While being covertly ferried through the underground tunnels past the laundry services and kitchen, I thought, "This must be what Beyonce feels like before a concert!" (...If Beyonce had broken both her legs and had to attend her own concert in a wheelchair.) :)
Eventually, Les got me to the biopsy ultrasound room, and I met Nikki, my tech, who went over what to expect from the procedure. I could tell something was up, however, when she said "hmmm" amidst her clicking and typing on the machine. Then, when she left and came back with both my surgeon and the radiologist, I knew the "hmmm" piece was not good. The surgeon, radiologist, and ultrasound tech are all pretty women about my age, so it felt like I was being addressed by a team of Charlie's Angels who were basically telling me: "We thought we were only up against one bad guy, but there could be a gang of them in there, so we'll have to use another weapon to find out for sure before we start karate-chopping our way through the hideout." Cue the dramatic music. I didn't start crying, but I felt a huge letdown -- like way worse than a "Let's Make a Deal" contestant who gives up $200 to pick door #1 only to find out that there's a goat behind it.
The Charlie's Angels did their best to help me see that this discovery was really a win, but at the time, it did not feel like one. I was all geared up for a surgery that wasn't going to happen, and even though Nikki did her best to re-orient me, it was still a shock to find out that there could be more cancer. Also, don't forget that I still had to get back to Hans the way I had come, and so who was the next person I saw? You guessed it..... Lester. Ugh. I know people use cliches like: "He was the last person I wanted to see," but in this case, that statement is truly accurate. I thought about asking if I could just walk back, but I didn't. There had been enough exposure for one day.
In the end, I had to try and tell Hans everything the Angels had told me, and as we got packed up to leave, we debated about what to do next--which was a ridiculous mixture of topics: Should we... Go home right away? Keep the jump socks? Call my mom and dad with the news now? Grab some lunch at Perkins? Tell the boys? As it turns out, we landed in what I like to think of is the purgatory of our society -- a Starbucks. We grabbed some high-priced drinks and pastries, sat in faux leather chairs, and mused about life and death and what to do about it all.
We're still not sure of what to do until we get MRI results later this week, but we did eventually go home and tell the boys and my parents. We did not keep the jump socks. We did not go to Perkins. When we picked Luke up from Art camp that afternoon, he was surprised to see me up and about so soon, and yelled, "Mom, you're alive!" and I thought, "Yes, I am." It was the best part of my day.
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