Say Hello to Heather

 Hello everyone! I'm sure you're dying to know how wig hunting went on Thursday, so here's the scoop! First off, as Halloween gets closer, it seems that there are wigs everywhere, and now that I'm in the market, my brain automatically considers every. single. one. They might be pink, They might be mullet-y in nature. They might even remind me of my awesome 80s hair in which bangs + a full can of Aquanet = a full-on physics experiment. No matter what size or color they are, my mind immediately wonders: Now, how would that one look on me?

Most of the time, the answer is: Bad. Very, very, bad. However, this past Thursday, it was fun to go for a wig fitting and be waited on by a wig professional at the Coborn Cancer Healing Center, which is a door away from where I go for all my other appointments. It is a brand new facility and very zen and very lovely. What is also wonderful is the fact that the Cancer Center was ready to give me one free wig. All I had to do was show up and be ready to pick the best one. The pressure was on! I had quite a few people offer to go with me, but in the end, I decided to take Hans, of course, and the person who is the most opinionated about my new hair: Luke. Before we left, he had already decided that I would look good in a blond wig and that I should use this time to "try it out" and "do something different." So here I am doing just that...

The verdict? He immediately hated it, and I had to concur. Let's just say that the palette stayed in the dark browns after that. I tried longish brown hair...

Curly hair with bangs...

Short and sassy hair - one of my favorites!

 But, in the end, the one we all liked the most, was the one that reminded them most of me:

Can you even tell it's not my hair? Crazy, right? I thought I might want to step out and try something really different, but in the end, it felt so comforting to find one that looked blessedly normal. Still, I was torn between this one and the longer brown wig, so to break the tie, I asked the lady helping me: "Do these wigs happen to have names?"

And, what do you know? They do! Wigs DO have names. Go figure.

The longer brown wig is named Ashlee, and this shorter brown wig that I ended up getting is named Heather.

Once I heard the names, I knew I had to get the one named Heather because before I was born, my mom and dad had three girl names picked out for me: April, Jennifer, and...Heather. As odd as it may sound, this whole cancer process feels like a rebirth, and so, getting a wig named Heather just seemed to fit. I hope you think so too!

Love and light,
Jennifer

Chemo Round 1

Hello! According to my chemo regimen, today is day 6 for me, and I am feeling more and more like my normal self almost after going through one round of chemo. How has it been? Let me share the experience with you using some visual aids.

Day 1 - First off, it's just a surreal experience. On the day I was getting chemo, two friends from the Language Arts department at school were also there. Linda (on left) was there for chemo, and Pam (middle) came later for radiation. Here we are taking a photo in my chemo infusion room. Linda's husband, Scott, thinks if we wrote a book, the perfect title would be The English Patients. As terrible as it is for us to be going through this journey, I thank my lucky stars every day that I have these two brave and wonderful women to help support me in the process. I know I would be more scared if I didn't have them to rely on for advice and help.

Secondly, getting the chemo itself wasn't a terrible process. It didn't hurt. I didn't have any reactions. The nurses were soooooo nice, and my mom was there to do all the worrying for me. :) It was a long day (from 11-4:30) though because the doctor sees you to go over the procedures and note how your doing, etc... The infusions took 3.5 hours, and then they let me go. I felt a bit tipsy and slightly nauseous walking around after the infusion, but the medications worked to combat that, and I fell asleep with no problem that night.

Day 2 - This was supposed to be a "good day," meaning that I would feel pretty normal before the chemo really hit hard on day 3. Not so. All I wanted to do was sleep, sleep, and sleep some more. If Prince Charming had come along to save me, I would have slept right through his interventions. Get up for true love's kiss? No thanks, I just want to sleep.  I really don't remember much about this day other than just being so tired. I had to go in for my Neulasta shot, which stimulates the production of white blood cells in your bones to help keep your immune system up. Even while the nurse was preparing me for the shot, I just wanted her to be quiet so I could fall asleep in the comfy chair.

Day 3 and 4 - Started feeling a little more energetic, but still needed frequent naps throughout the day or time just to lie down. To my surprise, food tasted fine, and I was hungry. On day 4, I started feeling the effects of the Neulasta shot because I suddenly had bone pain across the tops of my shoulders. What?! Felt so weird. Pretty soon, the feeling traveled, and the bone pain could be felt in lots of bones from the waist up. Why not the legs?  No idea. I did a walking workout to see if activity would help alleviate some of the pain, and it did. Imagine me prancing around just like the lady below. Sassy!

Day 5 and 6 - Feeling much more back to normal. Some waves of nausea but mostly just uncomfortable because of the bone pain. My head still feels a bit loopy as if I'm on cold medicine, but it's doable. Pam told me early on that it was "all manageable," and now I see what she means. I kind of just feel like I'm getting over being sick -- a little achy and a little tired and a little groggy. Hopefully, the next few days will keep getting better. Next stop: the wig shop. I go in for a fitting this Thursday even though I shouldn't lose my hair for another week. Wish me luck!

Love and light,
Jennifer

On your mark, get set...

Hello! The port is in, and how I wish the port was in reference to a cruise I might be taking! Alas, it is  instead a rubbery bump stitched just below my right collarbone which will allow my nurses to access my veins much more easily for everything. I begin chemo today at 11:00-4:30, so say lots of prayers that it all goes well. I am doing okay. The last few days have been a bit emotional and anxiety-ridden, but my parents are here, and I made my peace with it last night. As a result, I slept a full 8 hours without waking up once (unheard of!) and did an easy walking workout this morning, so I feel ready to GO!

Love and light,
Jennifer

Eat the Cheesecake

Hello! Yesterday quite a lot happened. It was my birthday, and I had my oncology appointment to find out my test results and chemo plan. When my name popped up on the doctor's screen, it had a little digital cake by it and a note that said, "Jennifer is 45 today!". So cute! But also....kind of weird. 

At any rate, my oncotype test came back, and the purpose of it was to measure the chance of recurrence happening if I did no chemo or radiation and only took Tamoxifen pills for the next 10 years. If I had scored between 1-18, I would be at low risk for the cancer returning if I did no chemo. If I had scored between 18-36, I would be at medium risk for it returning with no chemo. The short and the long is that my score was a whopping 55. High risk for the cancer returning if I did nothing. Yikes! So, the test solidified the fact for me that I need chemo and radiation for sure.

How do I feel about this? I was shocked that the score was so high, but after sleeping on it, I realized that this is my chance to get all the treatment I can as a preventative measure. Chemo will last 5 months for me + radiation after. I can only hope that I get through this one bad year and come out on the other side feeling like I did everything I could, so I have no regrets. My care team nurse also talked me off the high-score-ledge by saying, "Remember, if the cancer had been solidly in the lymph nodes, we wouldn't even have done this test because you would have been at a higher risk for recurrence anyway, so don't take the score as a measure that your cancer is worse than it was." True. True. But do you ever hear someone say something true and optimistic, and your brain dismisses them and worries anyway? That was me last night, and I was armed with a computer researching as much as I could.  This morning, I'm more myself and called my nurse with a few directives:

#1 - Set me up with a wig appointment. I am not going to try the cooling cap to save my hair. I could do it, but it would cost between $1000-2000 that insurance doesn't cover, and it's a lot of work for hair that is already quite a bit of maintenance anyway. One thing I don't want to worry about is trying to save every strand. I know it's going to be awful to lose it, but it will grow back. I would rather save on the stress and money for 5 months and do hair extensions later....maybe in time for my brother's wedding next September! I am looking forward to that! In the meantime, what about this wig option from Amazon for a cool $24.99? I think I am ready to be Wonder Woman!

#2 - Put me on the clinical trial; the research looks good. Yes, it means more chemo, but I need to do everything I can.

So, with the results and plan on the table, I am ready to get my port put in this week and begin chemo next week...day still to be determined.

With all of this going on, I still managed to have a good birthday. Sam's soccer team won their game 9-1, the boys pampered me at home, and my awesome neighbors had a birthday surprise for me: a homemade cheesecake! What they didn't know is that when I was first diagnosed and worried about eating right and doing everything I could to keep cancer at bay, my radiologist said: "You have to live your life. If you want a piece of cheesecake, eat the cheesecake." So yesterday, that's what I did. It was wonderful.

Love and light,
Jennifer

Do not let Toonces drive the car!

Have you ever stopped to watch your thoughts? What I mean by this is, have you ever consciously tried to think about your thinking? It's scary and enlightening. Lately, I have been doing about an hour of meditation per day, and one of the hardest aspects of this is how difficult it is to get my brain to stop thinking random thoughts and to become "blank" for just awhile. It's tough! In doing this activity, I am able to become more peaceful and am also able to catch my mind when it starts going off the rails or into dark territory. All kinds of random thoughts still happen though, and this brings me to Toonces, the driving cat.

If you don't remember Toonces, you probably had good taste and also probably didn't watch SNL in the early 90s. Per the vintage SNL skit, Toonces always began as a car-driving cat prodigy until he shocked his passengers by skidding over a cliff in dramatic fashion. If it sounds dumb, that's because it was. You can see the first installment here!

So, why is Toonces in my thoughts? Well, I'll offer a few theories:

1. I have been waiting on my oncotype test to tell me what kind of chemo I'll be assigned. The results were supposed to come in last Thursday, but that didn't happen, so my appointment got cancelled. In the meantime, I read over the pathology report from my surgery, looked up words I didn't know, and worried myself silly. When I do things like this, I feel like I've given my worries free reign to take the wheel and go over the cliff.  Everyone has told me NOT to read or look things up on the internet, but I am a teacher. I enjoy knowledge. Sometimes, my brain just has to know. The problem with this is that I can't know anything for sure until my oncologist sees the results and goes over them with me. Hence, I've been trying to train my mind to avoid turning into a Toonces who is just going to drive me off the cliff.

2. Meditation helps. I can see when my mind starts handing over the keys to the cliff-loving cat, and I can change it! Why give all that power to the worries in my mind that shouldn't be driving!?

3. I scheduled Sam's driving test. Enough said. Let's hope he fares better than Toonces did in the video!

Overall, folks, I hope I hear good news from the oncologist tomorrow and that the next part of this crazy ride isn't too crazy. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers!

Love and light,
Jennifer